♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Hi, Sophia. How was your date last night?
Tony Delveccio is a dreamboat. Aw...
I wouldn't mind glancing over at the night table
and seeing his teeth next to mine.
Ma, please. I mean, it's probably silly,
but I'm not that comfortable
hearing about your romantic escapades with men.
Then you're gonna hate this.
I fantasize about him all day.
Last night, I dreamed I was Joan of Arc,
and he was coming at me with a hose.
Ma, maybe it was just a religious-experience dream.
Did he put out the fire?
Three times.
Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple.
Sophia, I hate you.
I think I'm falling in love.
I haven't felt his way since your father.
But Tony looks at me as a friend, as a companion.
Honey, nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, but I'm picturing him naked, and I'm not laughing.
If you want my advice, I think you should sleep with him.
Done.
That is not what she wants.
Dorothy, the man came at her with a hose.
Oh, come on, Ma. You haven't known him that long.
Take your time.
After a few months, better yet, a few years,
then you can start thinking about a more physical relationship.
Look who's giving away years here.
You know my motto - today could be the last day of the rest of the your life.
Sophia, I'll bet with a few tips from me,
you can have this guy Tony in bed in no time.
That's good, because that's exactly how much time we have.
My mother does not do that.
Yes, I do. I've just been in dry dock.
I'm back now.
I'm suited up, Coach. Put me back in the game.
OK, but you have to listen to everything I say.
When I say "jump," you say, "On who?"
I just got a special-delivery letter from St. Olaf.
Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.
Coffee?
No, thanks. It makes me jumpy.
Rose, what does the letter say?
You read it, Dorothy.
I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.
"Dear St. Olafian, I'm afraid there's bad news."
What?
"There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops."
Oh, no. I better send water.
"Please do not send water.
"We have found that envelopes leak.
"Until the rains come,
"we ask that all citizens be celibate,
"except for Ulf, the Umbrella King.
He has suffered enough."
Well, if it'll help bring in the crops.
Oh, you cannot possibly believe that abstaining is gonna change the weather?
Blanche, I don't think you realize how powerful sex is.
Once, Charlie and I actually did it till the cows came home.
'Course, I was wearing a bell.
Of course. Hence the nickname "Dingdong."
Hey, you're probably right.
Rose, if you're really serious about going through with this,
I suggest that you discuss it with Miles.
He deserves to know the truth.
I don't wanna lie.
You don't have to lie to Miles. Just don't tell him the truth.
Turn this thing to your advantage.
Now, if you hold Miles at bay, amazing things will start to happen.
He'll become more attentive, send you flowers.
He'll be a prisoner of love, and you'll be the warden.
And if you're interested,
I have costumes for both of you to rent.
Blanche, first, you tell my mother to sleep with a stranger,
now this?
What makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?
Let the record speak for itself.
I have had 143 relationships.
And no convictions.
What do ya think?
Oh, you look very pretty tonight.
Not too pretty, I hope. I have a date with Miles.
How is he dealing with the celibacy?
Well, he's doing fine.
Although he does spend a lot of time at the batting cage.
Rose, listen. Now, you have a very critical date coming up.
Everything I said would happen has.
He's been more attentive, he's sent you flowers,
he's done your laundry and returned most of it.
We're right on schedule,
but tonight he's gonna ask you if you're seeing other men.
Do you know what you're gonna say?
I'm not sure.
Just be bold, be brazen, be brutal.
Now, what are you gonna say?
(sassy) I'm not sure.
Rose, if you're gonna be my lump of clay,
you gotta be a little bit smarter.
When he asks you if you're seeing other men, just tweak his nose and say,
"My, my, sir, I do believe you're jealous."
What about the vapors, Blanche?
Shouldn't she be overcome by the vapors?
(Sophia) Blanche, can I come out now?
Oh, yeah. Hold it just a minute.
Girls, I want to present
Blanche Devereaux's latest creation.
I took an 84-year-old woman and made her look like
a 65-year-old drag queen.
Then I said to myself, "Blanche, too much rouge."
So, after a few minor adjustments,
may I present
the new Sophia Petrillo.
Ma, are you in there?
You know, this is the first time in years I felt like the real me.
Should these be lower?
(doorbell rings)
Ahh, all right, this is it.
Now don't forget - you've got something he wants. Yeah. What?
Don't worry. It'll all come back to you.
Take your glasses off.
And it's a good idea
if you can find something to compliment him on.
Hi. Is it my imagination,
or do you have less hair on your knuckles?
It could be, Sophia.
At my age, everything starts to go.
Sophia, it's Miles.
Hey, you look beautiful.
Boy, it has been a long time for you, hasn't it, big fella?
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, let's get started.
There's magic in the air tonight.
What do I do if he wants to go back to his place?
Tell him you have a lot of work you have to do at home.
I don't wanna lie.
When you get home, we'll make ya clean out the garage.
Thanks, Blanche, I owe you one.
What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn't even notice me?
Well, that's his hard luck. There are other fish in the sea.
The only ones my age are floating on the top.
(doorbell rings)
Ma, remember - don't do anything I wouldn't do.
I think I crossed that line when I got a date.
Hi, Sophia.
Hi.
You remember Blanche and my Aunt Dorothy.
Ye -
Nice to see you. Nice to see you again.
Sophia, you look enchanting.
If I wasn't such a gentleman,
I'd try to ply you with wine and take advantage of you.
There's a liquor store on the corner.
She can't drink. It mixes with her medication.
Beautifully.
Aren't they adorable?
Seems like only yesterday I was putting her into the home.
Good night, pussycat. You have nothing to worry about.
Ma, be good.
I promise.
You're good.
A promise is a promise.
Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you
learn to do those things?
I live with a slut.
Thank her for me.
Oh, it's nice to be with a real woman.
You didn't think I was too forward?
No. You were a perfect lady.
And once again, don't worry about the pants. I know a lot of good tailors.
You started. Don't think I didn't notice you
playing footsie with me under the table tonight.
No, that really was a spasm.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha. Aw...
I, uh...
I... love you.
I said I love you.
Thank you.
And you?
I care for you.
You care for me?
Yes, very much.
I probably should've said that sooner.
Well, let's go get some sleep now.
What?
You care for me?
You care for a cat or a dog or a goat.
When I tell you I love you and you tell me you care for me?
Oh, please, Sophia. I care for you a lot.
I'm going home and don't bother driving me.
Look, Sophia, can't we talk?
Don't even say my name. I reached out for you.
If you didn't love me, how the hell could you make love to me?
I never wanna see or hear from you again.
Good night, and thank you for a wonderful evening.
Rose, what is going on? Now, something is wrong.
I don't know what you mean.
It's obvious you're trying to avoid any kind of intimacy.
Like that place you dragged me to tonight.
Don't get me wrong.
I enjoyed the evening of lesbian poetry...
...but, look, Rose, to tell you the truth,
it just wasn't the swell time I had in mind.
Look, I'm starting to get a little suspicious.
There's somebody else, isn't there?
(half-hearted) My, my, sir, I do believe you're jealous.
You know, normally, I hate it when people tweak my nose,
but at least you're touching me.
Look, are you seeing somebody else?
My, my, sir, I do believe you're jealous.
One tweak is cute, Rose. Two is... Don't do it again.
I'm sorry for the tone, but I am a little bit cranky and tense
for all the obvious reasons.
Look, something is wrong. Are you seeing another man?
And don't touch my nose.
I just can't be with you now.
Oh, well, all right. Maybe...
maybe I can't see you, either. Goodbye.
You mean good night.
No, I think I mean goodbye.
Oh.
Just as I thought. Nobody likes it.
Rose, what's the matter?
Miles just left me. Oh, way to go, Blanche.
Because of you and your lousy advice, I've lost Miles.
Well, if you're gonna come home with this attitude and tweak my nose,
and by the way, don't ever do that again because I hate it,
I'm not gonna help you.
How was your date with Tony?
Do you enjoy getting old ladies in trouble?
Ma, you slept with him, didn't you?
Come over here.
Look me in the eye.
Did you sleep with Tony Delveccio?
A little.
Ma! Blanche made me do it.
Don't you have a mind of your own?
If Gladys Goldfine told you
to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you?
Who blabbed?
Everybody, just calm down.
Sophia, tell me what happened.
Same old story - girl meets boy, girl loses boy,
girl can't remember her address,
so cab just circles and circles and circles.
You told him you loved him, and he didn't say it back, am I right?
Did you bug my bra?
Sophia, I told you
never tell a man you love him first. That's a fatal mistake.
I just wanted to hear someone say "I love you" to me one more time.
Oh, Ma. Would it make you feel better
if I told you I love you?
Yeah. All of a sudden, I feel like singing.
Take me to a piano bar.
I'm going to sleep.
If Tony calls, tell him I faked it.
Ma!
Well, I did. Oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
Oh, please.
Come on, Sophia, join us.
Yeah. Ma, you can't sit there waiting for a call forever.
Who's waiting for a call? (whistles)
Hello? Hello?
That was him. I could hear him breathing.
He wants to make sure I'm home
and not out with some other guy.
I have to make him jealous.
Dorothy, put on a suit and a tie. Let's go by his hotel.
Ma, I'm not gonna put on a suit and a tie.
Are you satisfied, Blanche? My mother wants to date me.
I suppose that's my fault, too.
Well, you have been giving out some very bad advice lately.
I haven't had such bad advice since... my drama teacher
told me I'd be perfect for the lead in the King and I.
So stupid here shaves her head and doesn't get the part.
Wait a minute. Don't think I don't know what you all are gettin' at.
You think the advice I gave was bad
just because it devastated four lives.
Blanche, when are you gonna realize you have to be responsible?
This isn't a game.
You're playing around with the emotions of real human beings.
I've made a decision. I'm gonna go see Tony.
Don't do that. Now you have him right where you want him.
I'm not listening to you anymore. Dorothy was right.
You got me into trouble, you got Rose into trouble.
You'd get Dorothy into trouble if anyone was interested in her.
Wait a minute.
Why, just the other day, that guy who works with our gardener,
you know, the one with the leaf blower,
told me that I looked nice with a little lilt in his voice
and tried to blow my skirt over my head.
Everything but the white horse, huh, pussycat?
Look, Sophia Petrillo doesn't give up.
She fights for her man. She can overcome anything.
She needs ten bucks for a cab.
Last chance, Rose. Better come go with me.
Oh, no. I'm too depressed to go to a firehouse.
The invitation says I can bring a friend to the barbecue.
Come on, Rose. They're firemen.
After a couple drinks, they start to do CPR.
Oh, I envy you, Blanche. You really have it together.
Not me. I have too many hang-ups.
Good night. Good night.
Rose, I think you ought to know something.
I didn't tell you - in fact, I never told anybody -
but... I cry every Thursday night.
But I thought you were so happy.
I am most of the time,
but, hey, it's hard being Blanche Devereaux all the time.
It does begin to take its toll.
It's kinda lonely not having someone
nice and decent like Miles.
My advice works with my men. You know, the shallow guys I go out with.
But if you still want my advice, here it is.
Call Miles.
Honey, Blanche is right.
Aw, he's reasonable. He'll understand.
I'm gonna call him, and I'm gonna tell him the truth.
You were right all along, Dorothy. The truth is always the best.
That is very wise, Rose.
Well, I don't want you to think I just made that up.
I saw it this afternoon on TV
When I was watching the new Lassie.
You know, that's actually an interesting story.
You see, the new Timmy was lost, and the new Lassie
was trying to tell the new grandpa where he was, so the new Lassie -
Rose, did I ever tell you
that I cry every Tuesday
at 8:05?
Excuse me.
(rings)
Hello. Oh, Helgie.
So what's going on in St. Olaf?
I can't understand ya, honey. Are you moaning?
No. Say it slowly.
Oh, God, it's raining.
Oh, God...
Oh, God, it's raining! Here, I've gotta get to Miles.
Boy, it must be pouring.
(knock on door)
Sophia, it's good to see you.
I just came by to pick up my MedicAlert bracelet.
I believe I left it here last week.
I'm wearing it.
That's dangerous.
No. It turns out we're both allergic to the same things.
Aw... Aw...
I've missed you.
Missed me so much you haven't called me in a week?
Sophia, sit down.
I picked up that phone a hundred times,
but I just couldn't make that call.
I haven't told anyone I love them since...
since my wife died.
That's a long time ago.
Yeah, but this I-care-for-you thing has always worked up until now.
Sophia, I do love you.
I love you, too.
So, what do we do now?
You wanna see pictures of my late wife?
I thought you'd never ask. I brought some of my husband Sal.